I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
