Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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