So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
