I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
