Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Small penises have feelings too.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
