I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
