So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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