WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Are my feet made of real feet?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
