I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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