I'm so fucking centered right now
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
