I showed him my bush... on skype.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
