i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
