we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
