Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
