i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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