worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
