I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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