Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Houston, we have a squirter
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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