I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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