Why are handjobs necessary in class?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
