We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
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I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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