I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
