my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
