A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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