yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
