It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
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I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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