It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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