weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Floor bacon is actually really good
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
