Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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