Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
