Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
