I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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