I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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