I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
