I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
