Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
