i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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