Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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