I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
