If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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