dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
