In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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