Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
