Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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