I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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