We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
