Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
