You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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