I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
