i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
