i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
