I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
