Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
