Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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